Mental Inventory

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I’ve heard only 10 percent of life is determined by what happens to you, and the remaining 90 percent is how you react to those events. I was skeptical because I believed the event had more influence on how I reacted. However, I have realized that my perception of the events shaped my reactions. I have learned to experience life differently by developing an internal locus of control. I had to shift from powerless to powerful. The way we move to a place of empowerment is through emotional resilience. The best ways to develop emotional resilience involve assessing our self-image, being optimistic, letting go of a victim mentality, and seeking support.

Cultivating a Positive Self-Image

Building emotional resilience is about having that inner voice that says I can get through this. I refuse to be defined by my circumstances. I have supportive people who can help me. I trust myself to make the right decisions. When you find yourself doubting your capabilities, challenge those beliefs. Often, the limitations we might have stem from past experiences. Fortunately, we can go beyond who we have been and become who we want to be. You might have felt powerless in the past, but you can feel powerful today. I encourage you to embrace the power that lies within. 

Embracing Optimism

Another way to build emotional resilience is by having an optimistic outlook. When you direct your attention to the things going well in your life, you cultivate a positive mindset. We cannot control external factors, but we can control our perspective. One way to increase optimism is by being grateful. The end of a relationship can be heartbreaking but having gratitude can help you move forward. You can be grateful for the lessons you learn. Appreciate the positive memories you’ve shared. Embrace the opportunity to focus on yourself. Be thankful for the chance to have a new relationship that surpasses your wildest imagination.

Letting Go of the Victim Mentality

We can also cultivate resilience when we let go of the victim mentality. A common belief associated with a victim mentality is terrible things are always happening to me. I have no choice about what happens to me. Others are to blame for my adversaries. You may even ask yourself why me? It may be helpful to consider more empowering questions like:

• What can I learn from this?
• How can I use this to transform?
• What actions can I take to make this better?
• What can I do differently to get a favorable outcome?
• What can I control in this situation?

A victim mentality is often the result of past trauma. With the help of a licensed therapist, you can heal from painful experiences. As you begin to heal, you can reclaim your power by speaking up and taking responsibility for what is in your control.

Building Supportive Relationships

Lastly, we can increase our resilience by being around supportive people. Individuals who listen with empathy and offer encouragement are essential to helping us during challenges. Take time to evaluate your support system to ensure you have people in your life who have your best interest at heart. You can find support through church, friends, family, mentors, teachers, therapists, support groups, online communities, and hotlines. Many people are willing to offer assistance. Seeking help can often result in receiving support. As you feel supported, you build the strength to overcome challenges. 

Change Starts with You

You may believe to experience a better life, things around you need to change. But the truth is that change starts with you. You have to change your locus of control. Having an internal locus of control will help you to experience life differently. Life is happening for you and not happening to you. This mindset can help you to build resilience and move from powerless to powerful. Remember that resilience develops as you assess your self-image, become optimistic, let go of a victim mentality, and seek support.

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In the past, I perceived challenges as roadblocks rather than stepping stones. It was not until I adopted a growth mindset I could view challenges as an opportunity to grow rather than an obstacle to overcome. Life inevitably presents circumstances beyond our control, but we can choose how we respond. Focusing on what you can control, adopting a growth mindset, and seeking help are essential to overcoming challenges.

A Personal Experience

If I think back to a challenge I encountered, one that comes to mind is when I was having a tough time in one of my college classes. After failing several quizzes, it seemed impossible to pass the class. I believed I couldn’t improve my performance and felt discouraged. Given my commitment to academic excellence, performing poorly on quizzes motivated me to seek tutoring. The personalized support from the tutor allowed me to ask questions comfortably and grasp the material better. I’m pleased to share that I passed the class because I actively worked on improving my understanding of the material.

Shift Your Focus

I believe having an internal locus of control contributed to my improved performance on the tests. I noticed positive changes when I put my energy and effort into what I could control. I considered utilizing my teachers’ office hours to review questions I got incorrect. While I couldn’t control the test material, I could control my study habits. Additionally, I had control over how I interpreted my test results. It can be beneficial to draw a Venn diagram of what is in your control and what is not in your control. This way, you can focus on what you can control.

Develop A Growth Mindset

I could have benefited from a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset during college. A growth mindset is about considering the possibilities. Each quiz allowed me to recognize areas where studying was needed. It was also an opportunity to seek assistance from someone more experienced. Reflecting on past challenges you have successfully overcome can offer solace when confronting new hurdles. Recognize that previous successes demonstrate your capability to tackle difficulties. Your resilience grows with each obstacle you conquer. Like a flower, it requires sunlight and rain to blossom. Imagine sunlight as a positive outlook and rain as a challenge; these elements often foster growth.

The Importance of a Support Network

As a first-generation college student, the support of my teachers, peers, friends, family, and mentors was instrumental in my journey to graduation. They assisted me during periods of personal and academic difficulties. My teachers’ open-door policy enabled me to express my concerns freely. I thrived in study groups with peers while mentors provided valuable resources. Friends and family offered emotional support. A strong support network is essential for overcoming obstacles. I encourage you to seek help when necessary. People and resources can support you through tough times.

Take Control of Your Life

Challenges are a natural aspect of life, but our reaction is within our control. While external factors are beyond our control, we have control over our thoughts and actions. The most effective way to deal with challenges is to focus on what is in your locus of control. You can achieve this by embracing a growth mindset and reaching out when you need help. Challenges can be the catalyst for growth with the right mindset.

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I remember one night having a dream about my teeth falling out. I was anxious about starting this blog, and my dream was letting me know I needed to address this. Psychologist Sigmund Freud described dreams as the road to the unconscious. Often, our dreams give us information from our unconscious mind that can help us resolve an issue in our waking life. The reason I was having this dream was because I felt afraid. However, I did not allow my fear to stop me. The most effective method to overcoming fear involves acknowledging it, identifying the source, shifting your attention, and facing it.

The Brain’s Fear Center

One of the reasons humans experience fear is because of a small region in our brain known as the amygdala. It is responsible for processing emotions such as fear. It plays an essential role in our survival and helps signal potential threats. I’ll admit feeling afraid is uncomfortable, but that doesn’t make it a bad emotion. According to psychologist Emma McAdam, our emotions serve three functions. They warn, motivate, and connect us. My emotion was warning me about a perceived threat.

The Source of Fear

The source of my fear was causing me to doubt myself. I noticed I was not as excited about the blog. I felt more anxious about how people would respond. I started to question myself and procrastinate more. I even faced writer’s block. It was clear the source of my fear was the approval of others and the limiting beliefs I had of myself. Once I realized that the way I was thinking was causing me to experience anxiety, I shifted my focus. I reassured myself that my blog holds valuable content, and it will resonate with the right audience.

Choose Courage

When I started focusing on the possibilities of making a positive impact, it motivated me to move forward. There are two types of motivations in psychology. The action we take to achieve a goal is known as approach motivation. The action we take to avoid an outcome is known as avoidance motivation. Although avoidance can help alleviate our fears in the short term, the fear remains until we confront it.

Courage is essential to confronting our fears. Exposure therapy can be helpful in this situation. The idea is that as we get more exposure to what we fear, our anxiety lessens in the long run. Before starting this blog, there were many times I found the courage to confront my fear. Having overcome my fears in the past, I felt more confident I would succeed with this blog.

Final Thoughts

It is human nature to feel afraid from time to time. Instead of allowing this fear to stop us, we acknowledge that it is there. Next, we identify the source of the fear. Then, we refocus our attention. Finally, we confront the fear. The idea of starting a blog was exciting yet scary for me. I was able to face this fear because I realized that desire was more important than fear. The desire to help people was all the motivation I needed to start my blog.

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According to a study, most regrets were education at thirty-two percent, career at twenty-two percent, and romance at fifteen percent. Regrets we have can bring up feelings of sadness, shame, remorse, or even helplessness. Although these feelings can be uncomfortable, they can serve us. The place in which our regrets lie often reveals the values we hold. Although it may be tempting to ruminate on the regrets, it can prevent you from moving forward. The best ways to deal with regret include identifying the regret, clarifying the value, and living by the value.

Overcoming Shame

Shame can be a barrier to letting go of regret. We might feel shame from a past mistake we made. The path to healing shame involves sharing it with people we trust. Shame dies in the light. When we share our shame, it loses its power over us. We are not our mistakes, and the right people will be able to support us in moving forward. It might also be helpful to make amends and apologize for past indiscretions. This process might require that we extend ourselves some grace. When we find ourselves self-loathing, we can practice self-compassion. Although experiencing regrets can be challenging, we can move past them and use our experiences to teach others.

Letting Go of the Past

Rumination can be another obstacle that prevents us from moving forward. We get stuck when we dwell on the past. You cannot change the past. Imagine if you could change the past. What lessons would you have missed out on? The past is there to teach you. You can use it as a way to learn and move in the direction you want to go.

One way to deal with rumination is to be mindful. We often suffer more in imagination than reality. The best way to stay present is to take a few deep breaths. It can also be helpful to write out how we feel. This exercise activates our prefrontal cortex, which helps us regulate our emotions. Once we have worked through regret, we can shift our focus to what we value. The values we hold can move us in the right direction.

Living A Values-Based Life

While listening to the podcast Therapy in a Nutshell, Psychologist Emma McAdam provided an example of how we can do this. One regret could be staying in an unhealthy relationship. In this situation, the value could be self-respect. The action that aligns with this value is setting boundaries. I have found this exercise to help me to deal with past regrets. There was a time when I allowed fear to keep me from trying new things. I recognized my value was courage. Today, I allow courage to guide my choices.

Regrets can become challenging when we allow shame and rumination to take over. Instead, we can use our regret as a signal that we are off course and redirect our attention to what we value. This shift will allow us to move in the direction we want to go. The next time you regret something from the past, write down what the regret is. Stay present with your feelings and seek support if needed. Next, redirect your focus to what you value. Finally, make choices that align with your values.