Mental Inventory

Have you ever heard a voice in your mind say, “You’re not good enough”? I know this thought can be extremely harmful when you say it out loud, but this is often a belief that people develop from past trauma. Unfortunately, many people, including myself, allow this belief to become our identity. Trauma has a way of distorting how we see ourselves and what we believe we are worthy of. But I want us to challenge this belief because, at the core, we are good enough, capable, and deserving of love. Before we can get there, we need to unpack this harmful belief.

You Are Good Enough

Many individuals who have experienced trauma often believe they are not good enough. This belief stems from being mistreated by someone they trusted or cared about. Rather than holding the other person accountable, we tend to internalize the pain and blame ourselves. But the truth is, we are not responsible for how others treat us, and their actions do not define our worth. If you were wronged, it was not your fault, and you did not deserve it. Choosing not to carry the weight of someone else’s harmful behavior is a powerful act of self-love. Loving yourself means recognizing that nothing external can diminish your inherent worth.

Traumatic experiences are painful and often lead us to believe we are powerless. If we believe we are powerless, how can we also believe we are enough? Often, feelings of inadequacy are not a reflection of our capabilities but of the impact of trauma on our self-perception. When we reflect on a traumatic experience, we might judge ourselves for not knowing what to do or say things like, “I should have known better.” This kind of belief chips away at our sense of worth. Instead, it is important to recognize that being powerless in a moment doesn’t make us inadequate; it makes us human.

You Deserve the Love You Need

To be loved is to be protected, nurtured, supported, and guided. If any of these needs were unmet in our childhood, this is emotional neglect. If we are neglected as kids, this can also cause us to believe we are not good enough. If our parents couldn’t meet our needs, we might wonder if anyone can. While we might not consciously think this way, it might be ingrained in our subconscious mind. We might believe that the love we deserve is only limited to the love we receive from our parents. However, the love we deserve is the kind of love that is attentive to our emotional needs.

Every child deserves loving parents. If we did not have the parents we needed, that is not an indication of our worth. Our unmet needs do not make us unworthy; they reflected what was missing. As adults, we can begin to understand our parent’s limitations and separate them from our identity. In doing so, we reconnect with our inherent worth and begin to understand how vital our emotional needs are in building healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Gentle Reminder

As someone who has experienced trauma, I understand how detrimental it can be to our self-worth. However, through healing, I began to recognize that what happened to me doesn’t define my innate worth. I am always worthy, and you are too. I want you to know that the painful experience doesn’t define who you are or what you deserve. I hope this post can begin your healing journey and help you recognize your inherent worth.

I listened to two podcasts this week: one with Tina Knowles and another with Michelle Obama. Although they are different women, they both share a common theme. Both talked about not realizing their self-worth until much later in life. These are accomplished women, well into the second act of their lives, yet they only recently began to understand how “enough” they are. It made me wonder why this realization comes so late for so many of us. I believe the answer lies in traumatic experiences and the need for approval.

Trauma Distorts Your Innate Worth

Imagine the most hurtful thing you ever experienced. How old were you when you experienced this? How close were you to the person who hurt you? How did you deal with the pain of that experience? Maya Angelou says people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. A traumatic experience can make you feel ashamed of who you are. It often distorts how you view your worthiness. I want to let you know that your experiences don’t determine your worth.

Trauma can happen early in life, and that imprint can last a lifetime. If people picked on you, excluded you, or said hurtful things about you, you might internalize that to mean something is wrong with you. But have you ever considered that something is wrong with what they did? We might not even have those kinds of thoughts as children because we are unable to process trauma on our own. But think about what a loving person would say about those traumatic experiences. They might say, “I’m sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.” Now, say these things to yourself.

Let Go of External Validation

No matter how worthy you are, everyone will not value you. Some people might not be able to see your worth because they don’t recognize their worth. Don’t allow other people’s limitations to become yours. Instead, understand that their limitation is a direct reflection of their beliefs. You don’t have to hold the same beliefs that they have. If you believe you are worthy, continue to believe it despite what others might think. You are always worthy. Don’t allow anyone to make you question it.

Our wholeness is in discovering who we are. Who we are is enough. Once we recognize our innate worth, we are less likely to seek external validation. The people we seek external validation from are at the same level as us. They are human and have strengths and weaknesses like everyone. Instead of believing that a person, accomplishment, award, degree, car, or house can validate our worthiness, we can look within. Our worth is not determined by what we have but by who we are. We are humans who all deserve love and respect.

Look Within

The best way to discover who you are is to identify your values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses. These things are more defining than anything external. If you want to have a solid sense of self, develop self-awareness. You can do this by keeping a journal. Start by writing out your top five values and taking actions to align with them. Challenge any limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. Then, list your strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your strengths and allow your weaknesses to help you to grow.

Final Thoughts

I wondered how free we would be if we knew we were worthy. When we don’t know we are worthy, we tend to seek approval from others. But the truth is, we have an innate worth. We are already whole; it is just a matter of discovering it. I hope that you can see how worthy you are sooner than later.

The signs of aging are hard to miss. Whether it’s a streak of gray or deepening lines on our faces, we often see them as signs we’re getting older. But as we age physically, we also mature mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. This kind of growth is known as personal development. I want to share some signs that you’re growing in ways you might not see in the mirror.

You Are Less Reactive

When you develop emotional maturity, you are responsive and less reactive. You still experience emotions. However, you don’t allow them to control your behavior. Instead, you recognize how you feel and respond in a healthy way. For example, an emotion like anger leads you to set a boundary rather than lash out. You also become more comfortable with your feelings because you don’t judge them. You recognize that emotions are simply signals that require your attention.

You Have a Strong Sense of Self

A confident person knows themselves well. You do not define who you are according to the opinions of others. You have an identity outside of what you do, what you own, or who you know. Your identity is defined by who you choose to be. You take actions that align with your beliefs, values, and aspirations. You set goals not to prove your worth but to reach your potential. You recognize your worth is innate and not something you earn.

You Trust Your Intuition

Another sign of maturity is your ability to trust your judgment. If someone or something feels off, you don’t second guess it. You recognize that your intuition is right and follow it. You don’t compromise your beliefs or values because someone doesn’t agree with them. You follow your dreams despite what others say. You also know when to let go because you can sense that something better is coming.

You’re More Intentional with Your Time and Energy

As you mature, you begin to recognize the value of time. You no longer waste it on things that don’t matter to you and become more selective about who you share it with. You understand that being intentional in your relationships allows you to invest in the right people. You are great at prioritizing your needs because you recognize how important self-care is. You invest in improving both your mental and physical health, knowing that they’re equally important to your overall well-being.

Final Thoughts

Maturity isn’t just something you recognize when you look in the mirror. It’s evident in the way you show up. You know you are maturing when you are less reactive, have a solid identity, trust yourself, and are intentional with your time and energy. While getting older comes with physical changes, there are internal changes as well. Reflecting on these changes allows you to discover the inner beauty of growing older.

What would you say if I asked you what you want more of in your life? Whether it’s money, love, or success, making room in your life for the things you desire is important. That means staying focused on what you want and taking actions that align with it. We all may want more, but are we ready for it? It isn’t enough to want it. There has to be some intentionality behind making our dreams a reality.

Inspiration vs. Imitation

When you think about what you want, why do you want it? Some people believe that reaching a particular goal will make them happier. But what if what you want is based on someone else’s happiness, not your own? For example, you might see how happy your friend is after buying their dream home and think that if you buy yours, you’ll feel the same way. But this is an expectation based on someone else’s standards, rather than your heart’s desires. On the other hand, if you’ve always wanted to own a home and your friend’s dream home inspires you, that’s a completely different story.

It is essential to consider the intention behind our desires. Is this desire based on our values or an expectation? True happiness comes from knowing who we are and living a life that reflects our authenticity. What makes your friend happy might not be the same thing that makes you happy. The reason is because happiness is internal, not external. You don’t become happier by having what someone else has. You become happier by knowing what you want and working to get it.

Inner Happiness

Social media has allowed us to curate a life we want others to see. If we want people to see how in love we are, we might share cute photos of our significant other. While there’s nothing wrong with sharing happy moments, some might believe these highlight reels are all it takes to be happy. That’s why it’s important not to get distracted by what we see online, and instead trust that the happiness we seek comes from within. It’s not about living by social media standards but through our core values.

When considering what to make space for, reflect on your core values. Your values are the compass for fulfilling your desires and achieving happiness. They are unique to you and reflect who you are. Once you know what you want, think about the actions you can take to achieve it. Don’t allow other people’s dreams to distract you from your own. Instead, let their dreams remind you of what’s possible for you.

Final Takeaway

Take a moment to think about what you want to make space for in your life. Now, consider the intention behind that desire. If we want to create a life that makes us happier, it requires being clear about our core values. Once we know our values, we can take actions that align with our desire. By doing this, we create space for more happiness.

We all have many thoughts throughout the day but some thoughts replay like a broken record. We might focus on things we can’t control, things we don’t like, or things we don’t have. While it’s natural to think about these things, don’t focus on them. Instead, we can be aware of all our thoughts but focus on the ones that are more helpful. Shifting to more helpful thoughts empowers us to change what is in our control.

Negativity Bias

Our brains are wired for survival, which is why we often focus on negative thoughts. This tendency, known as the negativity bias, helped our ancestors stay alert to threats. If you find yourself dwelling on negative experiences or bad news, it’s your brain trying to keep you safe. While this is normal, focusing on the negative thoughts isn’t helpful. Instead, we can shift our focus to thoughts that encourage action and growth. This mindset helps us develop an internal locus of control, which is the belief that we have the power to change our circumstances.

Focus on Helpful Thoughts

Which thought is more helpful: I shouldn’t make mistakes, or I can learn from my mistakes? The second one is more helpful because the first one is judgmental and unrealistic. The second one is more balanced and creates an opportunity for growth. We will make mistakes, but that doesn’t define who we are. We are capable of learning new things and growing as a person. Don’t allow where you are to prevent you from where you want to be.

Challenge Your Beliefs

Let’s try another one. Asking for help makes me look inadequate. I’ll admit I have been guilty of thinking this way. But I’ve realized that it’s actually an opportunity to learn something new. When I don’t know how to do something, asking for help allows me to learn how to do it. The smartest people aren’t just the ones who know everything, but they are the ones who remain curious. What if we saw asking for help as a way to be more curious? If we viewed asking for help as a way to stay curious, we might be more likely to learn new things.

Practice Self-Compassion

Despite what many believe, being hard on yourself does not help you grow or create the life you want. If you use the word “should” a lot, I want to encourage you to practice self-compassion. I want to be clear that self-compassion is not toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the belief that we should only focus on the positive. However, self-compassion creates space for our strengths and imperfections. A great example of self-compassion is the belief that “I am doing my best.” Regardless of what you might believe you should be doing better, you are doing your best.

Monitor Your Thoughts

What you think affects how you feel. How you feel affects how you behave. How you behave impacts your life. When you think about your life, how much of it do you contribute to the way you think? While there are things we can’t control, there are things we can control. Sometimes, the change we want to see externally requires a shift internally. When you have thoughts, it can be helpful to consider whether they are moving you forward or holding you back.

How is focusing on what you can’t control holding you back? How can focusing on what you can control move you forward? These questions allow you to see which thoughts are helpful and unhelpful. We don’t ignore things we can’t control. We accept things we can’t control. We focus on what we can control because it gives us the power to influence our circumstances. If you don’t like your current circumstances, consider your role in changing them.

Final Thoughts

I’ll admit I wrote this post for myself because sometimes I tend to focus on things I can’t control. But, I am learning to have a more internal locus of control. I believe I can influence my circumstances, and I hope you know you can as well. It isn’t so much about not having negative thoughts and only positive thoughts. It’s about accepting all your thoughts but focusing on helpful ones. The helpful ones will empower you to take action to create the life you want.

We all have secrets—things we keep to ourselves or only share with a select few. Sometimes, we hide these secrets because we feel ashamed of something we did or said. The painful part is that these secrets can make us believe that there’s something inherently wrong with us. But the truth is, our shame often prevents us from embracing the full complexity of who we are. It’s in accepting all parts of ourselves that we begin to heal.

Shame Doesn’t Define You

The lie that shame tells us is that who we are is wrong rather than that what we did is wrong. There is a distinction between these two ideas. One defines you as a person, while the other focuses on your actions. You can change your behavior. Instead of being defined by what you did, get curious about why you acted the way you did. Allow yourself to be complex. For instance, you could have said something hurtful during an argument, and now you are judging yourself. Instead, take accountability for what you did, apologize, and choose to do better next time.

Embrace Imperfection

While one moment can be defining, it doesn’t determine who you are. You are more than your past mistakes. In life, you will make mistakes because you are not perfect. These mistakes are part of being human and do not define your worth. Shame may make you believe that your mistakes make you defective or inadequate, but remember, imperfections are a natural part of who you are—they do not make you less worthy.

Be Vulnerable

You might think hiding who you are keeps you safe. While that can be true to some extent, it can also prevent people from fully knowing who you are. What if you knew people would accept the parts of you that you’re ashamed of? The freedom to be yourself and to be loved just as you are is healing. It doesn’t have to start with a big secret. It can start with more openness and vulnerability about who you are.

Final Thoughts

Shame is not an easy emotion to deal with. However, it is something we experience at some point in life. You are not alone in this experience. I want you to know that shame doesn’t define you. Nothing is wrong with you. Allow yourself to be imperfect because that’s part of being human. Remember, you are always worthy.