Much like riding a rollercoaster, life is full of ups and downs, and it’s much better to have someone beside you for the ride. When things take an unexpected turn, having someone close can be comforting. But what happens when you don’t have anyone during those twists and turns? It can feel scary and isolating. In difficult times, who is there for you through the highs and lows?
Learning to Lean on Others
What do you do when you don’t have the support you need? We all need at least two people we can count on during tough times. The first is ourselves, and the second is someone we trust. For many, the only person they can truly rely on is themselves. While self-regulation is essential for building emotional resilience, asking for help is just as important for creating a strong support system. So, besides yourself, who can you turn to for support?
Identifying Positive Relationships
Who in your family do you have a positive relationship with? Positive doesn’t necessarily mean close; it could be someone you get along with or who has been a consistent presence in your life. Now, when was the last time you reached out to them for support? Often, people are willing to support us if we give them the opportunity. And even if they don’t, at least we had the courage to ask.
Turning to Our Chosen Family
The next group to consider is our chosen family: our friends. Many people take pride in being the “strong” friend, but we don’t have to always wear that badge. After all, we’re not superhuman; we’re human. One of the greatest benefits of friendship is the support we receive. You deserve to have a lighter load, and it starts with asking for what you need.
Taking the First Step: Asking for Help
Although I’ve only highlighted two sources of support, there are many more available. If you’re not receiving the help you need from friends or family, consider reaching out to neighbors, mentors, therapists, or support groups in your community. Take some time to list the supportive people in your life. If you’re having trouble identifying even a couple of people you can rely on, consider what small steps you might take to start building that support network. Sometimes, the first step is asking for help.
One of the most infamous breakup lines is, “It’s not you, it’s me.” However, some people tend to think the opposite: “It’s not me, it’s you.” What if we could see our relationships as mirrors? We might realize they are showing us parts of ourselves we don’t see. After all, we are the common denominator in every relationship. It could be time we acknowledge, “It’s me.” We could have handled things differently. Accountability isn’t about blaming ourselves; it’s about taking responsibility for our choices.
Know Your Worth
One thing that may be holding us back from the relationship we want is the person we choose. If we want a healthy and loving relationship, it starts with picking someone who respects us. Before love, there should be respect. Do they honor your time, boundaries, and opinions? If they don’t value you, they won’t know how to treat you. Self-respect empowers us to walk away from relationships that don’t serve us. It’s not about controlling others, but about setting standards for how we allow ourselves to be treated.
Turning Pain Into Insight
Many people carry shame about not leaving a toxic relationship sooner. Instead of judging ourselves for how long we stayed, we might ask: What boundaries will I set in my next relationship? What patterns did I notice early on? What do I need to heal to be ready for a healthy relationship? These questions give insight and prepare us for the next relationship. While breakups can be heartbreaking, they aren’t meant to last forever. Our past can’t be changed, but our future can. By learning from our experiences, we move closer to what we desire.
Final Thoughts
Accountability begins with the realization: “It’s me, not you.” What can I learn? What can I do differently? How can I grow? Our relationships are mirrors, and only when we’re willing to look at ourselves without judgment can we learn the lessons.
You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong person. Healthy relationships are reciprocal; they pour into each other’s cups. Our cups represent what we’re able to give in a relationship. If you saw someone with an empty cup, you wouldn’t ask them for water. Yet, how often do we ask people to give us something they don’t have? It’s not wrong to ask for what you need; it’s just important to recognize when someone doesn’t have the capacity to give it.
Fill Your Cup First
What fills your cup? Before entering a relationship, you might consider filling your cup first. After all, you can only give what you have. The best way to keep your cup full is through self-care. Many people neglect themselves by not having a self-care routine. For me, journaling is my go-to practice. It’s more than just writing words on paper. It’s about showing up for myself consistently. If you want to give more in relationships, start by pouring into yourself.
Give and Take: The Balance of Healthy Love
Have you ever felt neglected in a relationship? Oftentimes, it happens because you’re not pouring into yourself or you’re pouring into an empty cup. Everyone comes into a relationship with a cup. Some cups are full while others are empty. It isn’t your responsibility to fill an empty cup. If you fill an empty cup, you’re giving too much of yourself. Healthy relationships strike a balance between giving and taking. It isn’t just about what you can provide but also what you can receive. The next time you feel neglected in a relationship, ask yourself: Is it a lack of self-care or a lack of reciprocity?
Final Thoughts
While it’s important to know what you need in a relationship, it’s equally important to know who can meet those needs. If you learn how to show up for yourself, you’re less likely to stay in relationships that don’t show up for you. When you have a full cup, you keep it full by being with people who also have a full cup. Never stop asking for what you need. Just make sure you’re asking the right person.
You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. When I hear this saying, it makes me think of my family. As much as I love them, I’ve learned that even the closest relationships need boundaries. If the intimate relationships in your life don’t have boundaries, then how safe is that relationship? A relationship without boundaries can jeopardize your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Boundaries aren’t optional; they are essential for secure and healthy relationships.
Closeness ≠ Respect
Who in your family are you the closest to? Who in your family respects you? What is interesting about these two questions is that the person we might be closest to may not respect us. Now, that’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s also eye-opening for how we can be intentional about our relationships. Let’s debunk the myth that we don’t need boundaries in close relationships. We do because without them, we lose our self-respect. If we don’t respect ourselves, we often find that people don’t respect us either. Love and respect go hand in hand. Boundaries set the foundation for both to coexist.
Protecting Your Well-Being
For some of us, setting boundaries with our parents can be difficult. We may be afraid of upsetting them or being perceived as disrespectful. While these are valid concerns, I don’t want them to prevent us from having boundaries. Instead, it is important to challenge our beliefs and become more comfortable with others being upset with us. Often, those of us who struggle with setting boundaries tend to be people pleasers. It’s not our responsibility to please anyone, but it is our responsibility to protect our well-being.
Loving from a Distance
Family relationships are often lifelong, making them an excellent opportunity to practice setting and maintaining boundaries. Setting a boundary for the first time might feel uncomfortable, but like building a new muscle, consistency is key. Over time, boundary-setting becomes a habit. If a family member says something hurtful, talk to them about it; they may not realize the impact of their words. But if the behavior continues, it’s okay to step back. Sometimes loving someone from a distance means limiting the time you spend together.
Turning Insight into Action
Boundaries are the foundation for safe and loving relationships. While being close to our family is important, let’s not forget to have boundaries. I’ll leave you with two questions. How might your relationships change if you prioritized your emotional well-being, and what is one boundary you can set today to support that shift?
Being seen goes beyond the surface. We call this intimacy: Into me, see. Do you have someone who knows the depth of who you are? Have you allowed people to see your imperfections, or does that make you feel exposed? What if revealing the thing you most want to hide could lead to greater understanding? It’s natural to feel scared or uncomfortable. When we feel afraid, we tend to hide to protect ourselves. But, what we might not realize is that we are disconnecting from others. I want us to stay connected by allowing others to see who we are. Who do you trust enough to let in?
Being Vulnerable
Trust is a leap of faith. You are taking a risk when you let people in. When was the last time you were vulnerable with someone? It may have felt uncomfortable. What if you opened up and someone betrayed your trust? You shared something personal, and they either used it against you or told another person. Experiences like these can be deeply hurtful and cause some people to become guarded. Instead of closing yourself off, trust yourself to know who to let in and who to keep out.
Trusting Yourself
There are people you can trust and people you can’t. The key is learning to recognize those who are trustworthy by revealing things gradually. As you become more confident in trusting yourself, it becomes easier to trust others. People who have earned your trust have also created a safe space for vulnerability. Instead of hiding our imperfections, why not allow others to see them? It invites a level of intimacy where you can be truly seen.
Facing Fears
What fears come up when you think about sharing your imperfections with others? Are you afraid of judgment or rejection? Has this fear held you back from being yourself? Most likely, it has. But it doesn’t have to anymore. When you allow the right people in, you create the foundation for genuine and deep connections.
What parts of yourself do you hide from others? What if you could allow someone to see those parts and accept them? We all deserve to be seen by someone. Think about one person in your life you are willing to be more vulnerable with. Pick someone who has earned your trust and start sharing more of yourself. It might be scary at first but hopefully, you come to find someone who truly sees and accepts who you are.
The way you show up in relationships often follows a pattern. Some patterns are healthy, such as open communication, empathy, and respect. Other patterns can be unhealthy, like codependency, lack of accountability, or avoidance of conflict. When you think of your relationships, what patterns are unhealthy? The reason this question is important is because unhealthy patterns can often ruin a relationship. The good news is that you can change your behaviors. The first step is to be self-aware.
Conflict Avoidance
An unhealthy pattern that some people may think is harmless is avoiding conflict. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your emotions openly and honestly, it indicates a fear of conflict. But conflict isn’t the issue here. The bigger problem is a lack of vulnerability, honesty, and communication. When these fundamentals are missing, it can often break down the foundation of a healthy relationship. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a normal part of any healthy relationship. The way you navigate through it can either strengthen or break the relationship.
Unclear Communication
Although difficult conversations can be uncomfortable, they are essential for gaining clarity and understanding of each other. A lack of communication is often an unhealthy pattern that people bring into relationships. Some people don’t ask questions because they are afraid of the response. Others don’t communicate their expectations or needs because they don’t want to appear needy or demanding. To have a healthy relationship, it starts with open communication.
Codependency
When you are in a relationship, it is important to maintain interdependence. You want to have interests, goals, and friendships outside of your relationship. Often, people neglect their needs to fulfill their partner’s needs. This pattern is unhealthy and known as codependency. When you neglect your needs, you abandon yourself. It is crucial that you remain connected to your emotional needs. A healthy relationship involves taking care of your needs while also supporting the needs of others.
Lack of Accountability
Being accountable for your actions is key to maintaining respect and trust in a relationship. Another harmful pattern is avoiding responsibility and refusing to apologize for wrongdoing. At some point, you might unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you said something hurtful. To maintain safety and respect, be willing to be accountable for your actions and apologetic for your words.
Break Unhealthy Patterns
I want you to take time to identify your unhealthy relationship patterns. Is it avoidance of conflict, ineffective communication, codependency, or lack of accountability? Once you are aware of those patterns, consider ways you can change them. It might take some time, but unhealthy patterns can be broken.
Friendships are some of the most important relationships we will ever have. They often give us a sense of belonging and a safe space to be ourselves. Friendships can be deeply intimate, with some describing their friends as soulmates or family. When you think about the friends you have in your life, what qualities do you value in those relationships? It’s probably their honesty, reliability, or loyalty. Now, think about the values you bring to a friendship. You not only want a friend of value. You want to be a friend of value.
Friendship Is a Two-Way Street
How are you showing up in your friendships? A lack of balance in a relationship is the quickest way to build resentment. If you have a friend who is constantly cancelling plans and you are the only one initiating plans, this could create some imbalance. In these situations, be comfortable communicating your needs and expressing how you feel. If it bothers you that your friend isn’t showing up for you, let them know. Or if you haven’t been able to show up for your friend, be transparent about why. The key to having a healthy conversation is to be open, honest, curious, and respectful. With open communication, you are creating space for mutual understanding.
No Friend Is Perfect
There is no such thing as a perfect friend. You have imperfections, and so will your friends. What makes a friendship valuable is acceptance. You can be yourself without judgment. Likewise, accepting who your friends are is part of being a friend. Be friends with people you accept, and be friends with people that accept you. You might not agree with everything your friends do or say, but can you accept your differences? Sometimes, your differences are simply dealbreakers, and it’s important to recognize this. True acceptance means embracing all of who they are, not just the parts you like.
Spend Time with Friends
The quality of your life is directly impacted by the quality of your relationship. While everyone has different social needs, everyone wants to feel connected. It is difficult to maintain connections without spending quality time together. Making time for your friends isn’t just about having fun; it’s about checking in. There is value in laughter and vulnerability. The great thing about meaningful friendship is the support you receive. Life has its challenges, and having someone who supports you during difficult times is priceless.
Inspiration in Friendship
You become the people you spend the most time with. This statement doesn’t mean you lose yourself, but it does show the level of influence friendships can have on you. When you think about your friendships, what inspires you about them? This question is important because you want to make sure that your friendships are influencing you in positive ways. It isn’t about having perfect friends but having admiration for each other. Simply spending time with a patient friend won’t necessarily make you patient. But maybe they can show you how to be more patient. A friend who inspires you is a friend who helps you to learn and grow as a person.
Choose Your Friends Wisely
The wonderful thing about friendship is that you choose them. Create a list of qualities that make a valuable friend. Now, create another list of qualities that make you a valuable friend. Before you can have a friend, be a friend. Create a space for acceptance, honesty, and open communication. Be friends with people whom you appreciate and admire. Lastly, spend time together.
Whether it’s a first date with someone you like or something personal you share with a new friend, opening up can be scary. While you may believe you are only exposing yourself by sharing information, you are also gaining insight into who people are. It is important to open up because it builds meaningful, honest, and fulfilling relationships. If you want this kind of relationship, it starts with opening up about yourself.
Start Small
Ever met someone new and just felt comfortable sharing personal information, but later found out that the person was untrustworthy? When building a relationship with someone new, it may be wiser to share some information over time. Time reveals character, and you want to see who people are with a little information before you share more information. You might not share a secret with someone you just met, but maybe you share with them if you’re having a rough day. The goal is to open up, but in small ways, and take note of their response. Do they show that they care, or are they dismissive? Their response reveals whether they can provide a safe space for you to express yourself.
Take a Risk
Many people do not open up because of the fear of judgment. You might be afraid that sharing something personal makes you vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. While there are risks to opening up, there are also rewards. Imagine being able to be fully accepted for who you are. Imagine having someone who understands you completely. Imagine being supported in your time of need. These are the rewards that come with opening up. I want you to not only consider what you risk by opening up but also what you risk by not opening up. Could you be missing out on deeper connections?
Trust Your Intuition
Intuition is a powerful tool that we can use when it comes to opening up. If you feel hesitant about sharing information with others, it’s okay to communicate this to them. You might say, “At this time, I don’t feel comfortable sharing that.” It’s important you feel comfortable with the information you choose to share. If you feel uneasy about revealing something, ask yourself: Is this my intuition guiding me? Sometimes it isn’t anxiety. It’s your intuition. When you don’t listen to your intuition, it causes anxiety. It is essential to trust your intuition when sharing personal information.
Open Your Heart
Past negative experiences can often make you believe that opening up isn’t safe. While protecting your heart might keep you safe, it can also prevent you from developing loving relationships. Your heart is precious, and the right people will handle it carefully.Being cautious is a strength until you miss out on what you want. If you’re guarded, you could miss out on a great relationship. At the same time, if you’re too open, you can risk being taken advantage of. The key is to find a nice balance between the two. Be open but do it cautiously.
Create the Space
Opening up isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step in building meaningful and close relationships. When you are building something, it takes time. Similarly, in a relationship, it takes time to build trust. If you want to build trust, it starts with being open. While it does require vulnerability, it also requires intuition. Trust yourself to know who to trust. Once you trust someone, share your heart with them. Opening your heart to the right people creates space for some of the best relationships.
How we show love plays a crucial role in building and maintaining intimate relationships. Do you show love through gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or physical touch? While these love languages provide insight into how we connect emotionally, they don’t cover all expressions of love. Take time to explore what love looks like for you and the people in your life.
Explore Your Love Language
While many people are familiar with the five love languages, shared experiences, and emotional security have recently been introduced. People who value shared experiences enjoy creating meaningful memories through engaging activities such as traveling together, attending a concert, or trying something new with their partner. Emotional security is another love language in which individuals value deep conversations and vulnerability within a relationship.
When you think of these newer love languages, does either of these resonate with you? Have you ever communicated your love language with your partner? The answers to these questions can help you identify your emotional needs and build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Communicate Your Love Language
What makes you feel loved? This question is important because it reveals how you feel connected in relationships. Understanding what your partner needs to do or say can help you identify your emotional needs. Often, it isn’t that we aren’t loved. It’s the love we desire isn’t being shown in a way that fulfills us. These moments can be opportunities to talk openly with your partner about what’s missing while recognizing that they may express love differently than you do.
Different Love Languages
The way you feel loved might be different from how your partner feels loved. Being more curious instead of judgmental can help you better understand how they show love. The great thing about having different love languages is learning new ways of loving someone. If someone expresses love differently, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible. However, it might require more understanding and open communication to maintain a fulfilling relationship.
Communication is vital in maintaining a harmonious relationship, especially when you and your partner have different love languages. If your partner’s primary love language is unfamiliar to you, it may take time and effort to learn how to express it effectively. It helps to ask them what specific actions make them feel loved. For example, if they value physical touch, find out which forms of affection they enjoy most. By making an effort to learn each other’s love language, you lay the foundation for a supportive and understanding relationship.
Final Thoughts
I encourage you to identify your love languages and communicate them with your partner. Also, ask your partner about their love language and how satisfied they are with the way you express love. The goal is to understand each other’s needs and work together to meet them. Be patient with each other. Remember, everyone loves differently, but that doesn’t have to end a relationship. It can be the start of a more fulfilling one.
I love learning new things, and listening to Michelle Obama’s latest podcast kept my attention. I paused the episode several times to write down all the gems she shared alongside her guest, Elaine. They offered so much wisdom that it made me reflect on a powerful question: Why are hard questions key to finding what you truly want? After thinking about it, I came up with five reasons, and I’d love to share them with you.
Reason 1 – You determine who the right people are for you:
Asking questions isn’t about interrogating someone; it’s about getting to know them and deciding if they’re a good fit for you. Michelle points out that you don’t need to ask everything right away, but once you’re serious about someone, it’s a good time to start asking the tough questions. You’ll want to understand their vision for the future and whether it aligns with yours. While love is important, shared values are crucial for determining compatibility and long-term happiness. The reality is that even if you love someone if your values and future goals don’t align, the relationship likely won’t bring the happiness you desire.
Reason 2 – You establish clear communication:
Asking the right questions helps you understand how a person communicates and how comfortable they are with tough conversations. You’ve probably heard that communication is key to any healthy relationship. I liked how Michelle emphasized that if you’re unable to express yourself openly in a relationship, it could be a sign that the person may not be the right fit for you. If they become defensive, it shows they might not be ready for honest dialogue, which can be a red flag early on. Since communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it’s important to pay attention to how someone reacts to your questions and concerns.
Reason 3 – You can make better decisions:
I loved the quote Elaine shared: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” I encourage you to ask questions to see who people are. The answers you receive can reveal whether or not it is best to stay or move on. While you might have a fantasy, asking the right questions gives you a reality check. You might have someone you love, but you recognize that your values and life goals conflict. Instead of hoping you can change them, accept that they may not be the right person for you. Be willing to let go to create space for the right person.
Reason 4 – You gain clarity:
The best way to gain clarity is to ask questions rather than make assumptions. Many people believe others will change, but unless someone explicitly states and shows they are committed to change, don’t expect it. Instead, consider whether who they are right now is enough for you to be happy and fulfilled in the long run. You can only determine that by understanding your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Think about your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Do you have someone who supports what you want? It is critical to have clarity around this question because who you choose to be with is a significant decision.
Reason 5 – You become more confident asking for what you need:
Michelle encourages women to practice asking for what they want. She points out we might have a hard time asking for what we want because we are afraid of the answer. Maybe you’re afraid to hear that they can’t give you what you want. Or you’re afraid they will judge you for what you need. But she points out beautifully that the answer reveals whether or not they are a good fit for you. The answer doesn’t make you less deserving. It just means the person wasn’t for you. Better to know now than later.
If someone can’t give you what you want or judges you for what you want, they are not your person. I know that rejection can be painful, but what is more painful is missing out on what you deserve. You cannot miss out on what you are willing to wait for. If you recognize that someone isn’t right for you, be willing to wait for someone better.
Closing Remarks
I hope that as you get to know new people, you don’t forget to ask the hard questions. While it may be uncomfortable, asking hard questions is essential to determining who is a good fit for you. It also establishes clear communication, provides clarity, and leads to better decisions. Regardless of the answer you receive, remember you deserve what you want. If the answer doesn’t fit what you want, be willing to let go to create space for what you desire.
