Category: Relationships

The way you show up in relationships often follows a pattern. Some patterns are healthy, such as open communication, empathy, and respect. Other patterns can be unhealthy, like codependency, lack of accountability, or avoidance of conflict. When you think of your relationships, what patterns are unhealthy? The reason this question is important is because unhealthy patterns can often ruin a relationship. The good news is that you can change your behaviors. The first step is to be self-aware.

Conflict Avoidance

An unhealthy pattern that some people may think is harmless is avoiding conflict. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your emotions openly and honestly, it indicates a fear of conflict. But conflict isn’t the issue here. The bigger problem is a lack of vulnerability, honesty, and communication. When these fundamentals are missing, it can often break down the foundation of a healthy relationship. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a normal part of any healthy relationship. The way you navigate through it can either strengthen or break the relationship.

Unclear Communication

Although difficult conversations can be uncomfortable, they are essential for gaining clarity and understanding of each other. A lack of communication is often an unhealthy pattern that people bring into relationships. Some people don’t ask questions because they are afraid of the response. Others don’t communicate their expectations or needs because they don’t want to appear needy or demanding. To have a healthy relationship, it starts with open communication.

Codependency

When you are in a relationship, it is important to maintain interdependence. You want to have interests, goals, and friendships outside of your relationship. Often, people neglect their needs to fulfill their partner’s needs. This pattern is unhealthy and known as codependency. When you neglect your needs, you abandon yourself. It is crucial that you remain connected to your emotional needs. A healthy relationship involves taking care of your needs while also supporting the needs of others.

Lack of Accountability

Being accountable for your actions is key to maintaining respect and trust in a relationship. Another harmful pattern is avoiding responsibility and refusing to apologize for wrongdoing. At some point, you might unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you said something hurtful. To maintain safety and respect, be willing to be accountable for your actions and apologetic for your words.

Break Unhealthy Patterns

I want you to take time to identify your unhealthy relationship patterns. Is it avoidance of conflict, ineffective communication, codependency, or lack of accountability? Once you are aware of those patterns, consider ways you can change them. It might take some time, but unhealthy patterns can be broken.

Friendships are some of the most important relationships we will ever have. They often give us a sense of belonging and a safe space to be ourselves. Friendships can be deeply intimate, with some describing their friends as soulmates or family. When you think about the friends you have in your life, what qualities do you value in those relationships? It’s probably their honesty, reliability, or loyalty. Now, think about the values you bring to a friendship. You not only want a friend of value. You want to be a friend of value.

Friendship Is a Two-Way Street

How are you showing up in your friendships? A lack of balance in a relationship is the quickest way to build resentment. If you have a friend who is constantly cancelling plans and you are the only one initiating plans, this could create some imbalance. In these situations, be comfortable communicating your needs and expressing how you feel. If it bothers you that your friend isn’t showing up for you, let them know. Or if you haven’t been able to show up for your friend, be transparent about why. The key to having a healthy conversation is to be open, honest, curious, and respectful. With open communication, you are creating space for mutual understanding.

No Friend Is Perfect

There is no such thing as a perfect friend. You have imperfections, and so will your friends. What makes a friendship valuable is acceptance. You can be yourself without judgment. Likewise, accepting who your friends are is part of being a friend. Be friends with people you accept, and be friends with people that accept you. You might not agree with everything your friends do or say, but can you accept your differences? Sometimes, your differences are simply dealbreakers, and it’s important to recognize this. True acceptance means embracing all of who they are, not just the parts you like.

Spend Time with Friends

The quality of your life is directly impacted by the quality of your relationship. While everyone has different social needs, everyone wants to feel connected. It is difficult to maintain connections without spending quality time together. Making time for your friends isn’t just about having fun; it’s about checking in. There is value in laughter and vulnerability. The great thing about meaningful friendship is the support you receive. Life has its challenges, and having someone who supports you during difficult times is priceless.

Inspiration in Friendship

You become the people you spend the most time with. This statement doesn’t mean you lose yourself, but it does show the level of influence friendships can have on you. When you think about your friendships, what inspires you about them? This question is important because you want to make sure that your friendships are influencing you in positive ways. It isn’t about having perfect friends but having admiration for each other. Simply spending time with a patient friend won’t necessarily make you patient. But maybe they can show you how to be more patient. A friend who inspires you is a friend who helps you to learn and grow as a person.

Choose Your Friends Wisely

The wonderful thing about friendship is that you choose them. Create a list of qualities that make a valuable friend. Now, create another list of qualities that make you a valuable friend. Before you can have a friend, be a friend. Create a space for acceptance, honesty, and open communication. Be friends with people whom you appreciate and admire. Lastly, spend time together.

Whether it’s a first date with someone you like or something personal you share with a new friend, opening up can be scary. While you may believe you are only exposing yourself by sharing information, you are also gaining insight into who people are. It is important to open up because it builds meaningful, honest, and fulfilling relationships. If you want this kind of relationship, it starts with opening up about yourself.

Start Small

Ever met someone new and just felt comfortable sharing personal information, but later found out that the person was untrustworthy? When building a relationship with someone new, it may be wiser to share some information over time. Time reveals character, and you want to see who people are with a little information before you share more information. You might not share a secret with someone you just met, but maybe you share with them if you’re having a rough day. The goal is to open up, but in small ways, and take note of their response. Do they show that they care, or are they dismissive? Their response reveals whether they can provide a safe space for you to express yourself.

Take a Risk

Many people do not open up because of the fear of judgment. You might be afraid that sharing something personal makes you vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. While there are risks to opening up, there are also rewards. Imagine being able to be fully accepted for who you are. Imagine having someone who understands you completely. Imagine being supported in your time of need. These are the rewards that come with opening up. I want you to not only consider what you risk by opening up but also what you risk by not opening up. Could you be missing out on deeper connections?

Trust Your Intuition

Intuition is a powerful tool that we can use when it comes to opening up.
If you feel hesitant about sharing information with others, it’s okay to communicate this to them. You might say, “At this time, I don’t feel comfortable sharing that.” It’s important you feel comfortable with the information you choose to share. If you feel uneasy about revealing something, ask yourself: Is this my intuition guiding me? Sometimes it isn’t anxiety. It’s your intuition. When you don’t listen to your intuition, it causes anxiety. It is essential to trust your intuition when sharing personal information.

Open Your Heart

Past negative experiences can often make you believe that opening up isn’t safe. While protecting your heart might keep you safe, it can also prevent you from developing loving relationships. Your heart is precious, and the right people will handle it carefully. Being cautious is a strength until you miss out on what you want. If you’re guarded, you could miss out on a great relationship. At the same time, if you’re too open, you can risk being taken advantage of. The key is to find a nice balance between the two. Be open but do it cautiously.

Create the Space

Opening up isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary step in building meaningful and close relationships. When you are building something, it takes time. Similarly, in a relationship, it takes time to build trust. If you want to build trust, it starts with being open. While it does require vulnerability, it also requires intuition. Trust yourself to know who to trust. Once you trust someone, share your heart with them. Opening your heart to the right people creates space for some of the best relationships.

How we show love plays a crucial role in building and maintaining intimate relationships. Do you show love through gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or physical touch? While these love languages provide insight into how we connect emotionally, they don’t cover all expressions of love. Take time to explore what love looks like for you and the people in your life.

Explore Your Love Language

While many people are familiar with the five love languages, shared experiences, and emotional security have recently been introduced. People who value shared experiences enjoy creating meaningful memories through engaging activities such as traveling together, attending a concert, or trying something new with their partner. Emotional security is another love language in which individuals value deep conversations and vulnerability within a relationship.

When you think of these newer love languages, does either of these resonate with you? Have you ever communicated your love language with your partner? The answers to these questions can help you identify your emotional needs and build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Communicate Your Love Language

What makes you feel loved? This question is important because it reveals how you feel connected in relationships. Understanding what your partner needs to do or say can help you identify your emotional needs. Often, it isn’t that we aren’t loved. It’s the love we desire isn’t being shown in a way that fulfills us. These moments can be opportunities to talk openly with your partner about what’s missing while recognizing that they may express love differently than you do.

Different Love Languages

The way you feel loved might be different from how your partner feels loved. Being more curious instead of judgmental can help you better understand how they show love. The great thing about having different love languages is learning new ways of loving someone. If someone expresses love differently, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible. However, it might require more understanding and open communication to maintain a fulfilling relationship.

Communication is vital in maintaining a harmonious relationship, especially when you and your partner have different love languages. If your partner’s primary love language is unfamiliar to you, it may take time and effort to learn how to express it effectively. It helps to ask them what specific actions make them feel loved. For example, if they value physical touch, find out which forms of affection they enjoy most. By making an effort to learn each other’s love language, you lay the foundation for a supportive and understanding relationship.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to identify your love languages and communicate them with your partner. Also, ask your partner about their love language and how satisfied they are with the way you express love. The goal is to understand each other’s needs and work together to meet them. Be patient with each other. Remember, everyone loves differently, but that doesn’t have to end a relationship. It can be the start of a more fulfilling one.

I love learning new things, and listening to Michelle Obama’s latest podcast kept my attention. I paused the episode several times to write down all the gems she shared alongside her guest, Elaine. They offered so much wisdom that it made me reflect on a powerful question: Why are hard questions key to finding what you truly want? After thinking about it, I came up with five reasons, and I’d love to share them with you.

Reason 1 – You determine who the right people are for you:

Asking questions isn’t about interrogating someone; it’s about getting to know them and deciding if they’re a good fit for you. Michelle points out that you don’t need to ask everything right away, but once you’re serious about someone, it’s a good time to start asking the tough questions. You’ll want to understand their vision for the future and whether it aligns with yours. While love is important, shared values are crucial for determining compatibility and long-term happiness. The reality is that even if you love someone if your values and future goals don’t align, the relationship likely won’t bring the happiness you desire.

Reason 2 – You establish clear communication: 

Asking the right questions helps you understand how a person communicates and how comfortable they are with tough conversations. You’ve probably heard that communication is key to any healthy relationship. I liked how Michelle emphasized that if you’re unable to express yourself openly in a relationship, it could be a sign that the person may not be the right fit for you. If they become defensive, it shows they might not be ready for honest dialogue, which can be a red flag early on. Since communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it’s important to pay attention to how someone reacts to your questions and concerns.

Reason 3 – You can make better decisions:

I loved the quote Elaine shared: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” I encourage you to ask questions to see who people are. The answers you receive can reveal whether or not it is best to stay or move on. While you might have a fantasy, asking the right questions gives you a reality check. You might have someone you love, but you recognize that your values and life goals conflict. Instead of hoping you can change them, accept that they may not be the right person for you. Be willing to let go to create space for the right person.

Reason 4 – You gain clarity:

The best way to gain clarity is to ask questions rather than make assumptions. Many people believe others will change, but unless someone explicitly states and shows they are committed to change, don’t expect it. Instead, consider whether who they are right now is enough for you to be happy and fulfilled in the long run. You can only determine that by understanding your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Think about your values, beliefs, goals, and dreams. Do you have someone who supports what you want? It is critical to have clarity around this question because who you choose to be with is a significant decision.

Reason 5 – You become more confident asking for what you need: 

Michelle encourages women to practice asking for what they want. She points out we might have a hard time asking for what we want because we are afraid of the answer. Maybe you’re afraid to hear that they can’t give you what you want. Or you’re afraid they will judge you for what you need. But she points out beautifully that the answer reveals whether or not they are a good fit for you. The answer doesn’t make you less deserving. It just means the person wasn’t for you. Better to know now than later.

If someone can’t give you what you want or judges you for what you want, they are not your person. I know that rejection can be painful, but what is more painful is missing out on what you deserve. You cannot miss out on what you are willing to wait for. If you recognize that someone isn’t right for you, be willing to wait for someone better.

Closing Remarks

I hope that as you get to know new people, you don’t forget to ask the hard questions. While it may be uncomfortable, asking hard questions is essential to determining who is a good fit for you. It also establishes clear communication, provides clarity, and leads to better decisions. Regardless of the answer you receive, remember you deserve what you want. If the answer doesn’t fit what you want, be willing to let go to create space for what you desire.

I’ve often found myself struggling to define love in a single sentence. While I have my understanding of what it is, I can’t say that everyone shares the exact definition. In fact, I believe people might define love differently. So, is there one universal definition we can all agree on? I’m not sure, but I found a definition in bell hooks’ book All About Love that resonated with me. She defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” This definition suggests that love is selfless, pure, nurturing, transformative, commitment, and, most importantly, a choice.

Love Is Selfless

I believe the best place to start is by introducing love as selfless, a concept that bell hooks captures when she says love is “to extend oneself.” It is offering your time when a close friend needs someone to talk to, or supporting a loved one’s dreams. Selfless love is given freely, without the expectation of anything in return. It is extending yourself for another’s well-being rather than personal gain.

Love Is a Choice

Love is more than just a feeling; it is a conscious choice. As bell hooks defines it, love involves “the will to extend,” highlighting love as an action and not just a feeling. While many people associate love with their feelings, they often overlook the fact that love is a choice. Feelings may change over time, but the actions you take to express love can remain constant. When you love someone, you show it. Taking time to express your love language and identifying the love language of others can help you show love in a way that others can appreciate it.

Love Is Pure

You know you love someone when you want the best for them. You want to see them happy, successful, and healthy. You are happy to watch their dreams come true and enjoy celebrating their milestones. When you genuinely care about another person’s well-being, you are experiencing the purest form of love. You consider how they feel in your decision-making. You consider how you can show up for them. Loving someone is about showing consideration.

Love Is Nurturing

The way you care for someone is a powerful expression of love. When you nurture someone, you give them what they need. Everyone has needs that are essential to experiencing fulfillment in relationships. Loving someone means knowing their needs and being able to fulfill their needs. Another part of nurturing someone is supporting another person’s growth. You are willing to provide your time, resources, and knowledge to help them grow.

Love Is Commitment

Love is a commitment to seeing the growth of the relationship. It is about committing to being with someone long-term. It doesn’t mean you can’t leave when it becomes unhealthy or toxic. In those cases, leaving is an act of self-love. Love is committing to support each other’s growth in a healthy and balanced way. It’s not just about saying ‘I do’ when you get married; it’s about committing to say ‘I do’ to the relationship every day.

Love Is Transformative

Love can transform a relationship. When you are with someone who knows how to love you, you have a fulfilling relationship. A fulfilling relationship changes the way you show up in the world. You find that you have more love to give. You are more patient because you are happier. You are more understanding because your capacity to love has expanded. You also find that those past hurts heal when you are loved.

Final Love Notes

I don’t know how you define love, but the way I define love is selfless, choice, pure, nurturing, committed, and transformative. While your definition might differ from mine, I hope you can begin to define what love is for you. I hope that love can be an experience that nurtures your spiritual growth.

Therapy can be intimidating, especially when you’re talking to a stranger. But you’re not alone. A therapist’s role is to provide a safe space for you to open up. Before your first session, consider researching your therapist. Websites like Psychology Today let you explore therapist profiles, read about their credentials, and even schedule consultations. While therapy might feel scary, a good therapist will guide and support you every step of the way.

Research Therapists

When looking for a therapist, consider finding someone who specializes in the specific issues you are facing. Whether you are dealing with trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, or stress, it is helpful to have a trained therapist in your area of concern. A therapist with expertise in your area can offer more personalized treatment, improving your overall experience. Consider checking their credentials and experience to ensure they fit your needs.

Schedule a Consultation

Once you have done the research, it is time to schedule a consultation. The consultation helps ensure the therapist is the right fit. Consultations are typically free and are fifteen minutes long. During the conversation, consider having a list of questions. These questions can help you determine who is the best fit for you. Here are a list of questions you might ask:

• What is your therapeutic approach?
• How long have you been practicing in this area?
• How do you tailor your approach to meet the specific needs of your clients?
• Do you accept insurance? If so, which insurance providers do you work with?

During the consultation, you may realize they aren’t the best match. Trust your gut—if you aren’t comfortable moving forward, consider finding another therapist.

Book a Session

Once you believe you have found a therapist you like, you can schedule your first session. The first session is usually an intake process. Your therapist might ask about your personal history and goals. You will have the opportunity to share more about yourself and what you hope to gain from therapy. After the first session, check in with yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, it is okay to find another one. It might take time to find the one that works best for you.

Final Takeaway

Therapy can be an intimidating experience at first, but it can also lead to healing and transformation. Before booking your first session with a therapist, consider reading their bio, checking their credentials, and scheduling a consultation. These steps can help you find a therapist that fits your needs.

The quality of your relationships impacts the quality of your life. Having positive relationships benefits you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Being more intentional about your new relationships requires you to prioritize social events, maintain an open mind, know what you want, be vulnerable, and ask questions. By being intentional, you create the path for deeper connections. 

Prioritize Social Events

One of the first steps to developing new relationships involves establishing common interests. You do this by attending social events that align with your values or hobbies. If you enjoy reading, consider joining a book club. If you like staying active, join a running club. If you value knowledge, attend a trivia night. Also, be consistent with the events you attend. Becoming a familiar face increases your chances of making new friends. 

Remain Open

It is not always easy to put yourself out there, but it is necessary to make new friends. Stepping outside your comfort zone requires that you are courageous and open-minded. Not every social setting will be a good fit, and disappointment may occur. The key is to learn from the experience and explore new social settings. You want to remain open despite the outcome. Your tribe is out; it just might take time to find them. 

Make A List

Before you can find what you are looking for, it is essential to know what you want. Identifying the values and qualities you need in a relationship helps you determine which people you are compatible with. Consider making a list of things you need and want in a relationship. Don’t forget to include dealbreakers as well. As you get to know new people, check to see if they have any qualities you value. Although liking a person is important, compatibility is the key to long-term relationships. 

Be Authentic

People are attracted to authenticity. Being vulnerable is an essential part of showing up authentically. One way to do this is by expressing your feelings. If you had a stressful day at work, be willing to share that. If you reached a goal that you are proud of, share that too. You want to open up early to identify if there is emotional safety. When you feel safe, you become more comfortable with being yourself. 

Ask Questions

Lastly, make sure to ask open-ended questions that help you gauge compatibility. These questions should reflect the qualities and values you seek in a meaningful connection. Pay attention to any answers that may conflict with your core beliefs and values. Avoid compromising who you are because you enjoy someone’s company. Instead, recognize that shared values are more important for long-term relationships. The right people will fit into your life and grow with you. 

Final Thoughts

You might be at a place where you are ready to meet new people and build solid relationships. The key is to be intentional about new relationships. You can do this by prioritizing social events, maintaining an open mind, knowing what you want, being vulnerable, and asking questions. The connections you desire are out there, and by taking these steps, you create a space for meaningful relationships. 

Relationships can bring happiness to many people, but they can become unhealthy when a person defines their identity by who they are dating. It is important to know who you are apart from who you are with. When you lose yourself in relationships, it can indicate codependency. Instead, it is essential to have interdependence to maintain a harmonious relationship. You can achieve this by having a solid sense of self, knowing your values, having goals, and establishing open communication.

Codependency in Relationships

When you rely on others for your sense of self or well-being, this is known as codependency. Some signs to look out for include people-pleasing, low self-esteem, emotional reactivity, poor boundaries, ineffective communication, and no goals or aspirations outside the relationship. Who you are and what you need matters. Before you consider filling someone else’s cup, fill yours first. Fill your cup with your interests, goals, needs, and wants.

People who struggle with codependency do not have a strong sense of self. They believe a relationship gives them an identity. When their relationship is going well, they are happy. But when the relationship isn’t going well, they question their self-worth. The key to self-worth is understanding it is not something you earn; it is something you realize. It is important to recognize that your worth is innate. Who you are as you are is enough.

Identify Who You Are

You can develop a solid sense of self by making time for your hobbies. Often, your partner might not like the same things you do. Instead of giving up that hobby, consider doing it with friends or family. When you continue doing things you enjoy in a relationship, you are demonstrating healthy interdependence.

It is also important to have goals and know your core values. The values you have can help you to identify what matters to you. When you know what matters to you, you stay connected to who you are. When you are interdependent, you are responsible for your happiness. You recognize that your values serve as a guide to living happily and authentically. Additionally, setting goals that align with your values can help you to self-actualize. When you are able to become better, the relationship you are in is likely to strengthen.

Establish Open Communication

Lastly, it is crucial to any healthy relationship that you communicate your needs. When both partners can express themselves and support one another, this is interdependence. While your partner may not be responsible for your feelings, they can influence them. In a healthy relationship, you have boundaries with your partner and can communicate when they have done something hurtful. A healthy relationship is not about blaming them for how you feel or hiding your emotions. It is about giving each other a safe space to express yourself.

You may have heard of the four attachment styles. They are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Out of these attachment styles, three are insecure. Your attachment style develops from your early childhood experience with your parents or caregivers. If you have an insecure attachment style, you can heal to form a secure attachment style as an adult.

Insecure Attachment

Before you can heal from an insecure attachment, it can be helpful to identify which specific style you fall into. These attachment styles included anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style shapes how you connect in relationships and how you trust, communicate, and deal with emotions and intimacy. You can take this quiz to determine your attachment style.

An insecure attachment style tends to manifest as a lack of trust or poor communication, overly reliant or hyper-independent, negative view of yourself and others, difficulty managing your emotions and conflict, or issues with intimacy. You can change your attachment style by being more mindful of how you show up in relationships. Self-awareness creates an opportunity to unlearn beliefs and behaviors that hinder you from having a secure and healthy relationship.

Develop a Positive Self-Image

The kind of relationship you want with others starts with having a healthy relationship with yourself. It is essential to maintain a positive self-image. It begins with believing that you are worthy. Your worth is innate and does not need to be validated by people, things, or circumstances. You are always worthy despite your mistakes or what you have been through. To become securely attached, start by recognizing your self-worth.

Practice Healthy Interdependence

Once you have a positive self-image, you can work on your relationship with others. Being in a relationship is not about being completely independent or completely reliant. It is about being able to rely on each other and work together.

Relationships are about having a balance between dependence and independence. A person with an anxious attachment might be codependent in relationships. Resolving this requires learning how to self-soothe and regulate your emotions. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, learning to ask for help can move them towards a secure attachment.

Express Your Feelings & Needs

Communicating your feelings clearly and respectfully is another way to develop a secure attachment. When you express your emotions, you are also being vulnerable. Being comfortable with vulnerability is part of developing intimacy in relationships.

If you have a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, you might believe vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Contrary to what you might believe, vulnerability can foster understanding and intimacy often needed to develop healthy relationships. Additionally, having a secure attachment style in relationships involves healthy boundaries and open communication about your needs and desires.

Manage Conflict Effectively

You do not need to avoid conflict to have a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship can have conflict. Conflict does not have to be the end of a relationship. It can be the beginning of a stronger relationship. If you have an insecure attachment style, consider reframing conflict. Instead of viewing it negatively, you can have a more objective perspective.

Conflict can be a misunderstanding or a difference of perspective. One of the best ways to resolve conflict is through communication. It is essential to share your perspective, even if it is different. Your differences can create an opportunity for understanding. It also allows you to learn from one another. When you work through conflict, you gain knowledge and strengthen your relationship.

To Conclude

While your attachment style developed in your childhood, your attachment style is not permanent. You can work towards a more secure attachment if you have an insecure style. The way to achieve this is by building a positive self-image, fostering healthy interdependence, clearly expressing your needs and emotions, and effectively managing conflict.