Category: Relationships

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When a best friend becomes an ex-friend, it can feel as painful as a romantic breakup. It can be hard to move on because you shared so many memories. You probably never imagine that person not being in your life. The end of a friendship is not easy, but you can get through it. The way to heal from the end of a friendship is by processing your emotions, self-reflecting, finding the lessons, having gratitude, and being open to making new friends.

Grieving the End of the Friendship

A friendship ending with someone who has been part of your life since childhood is hard. It is equally painful to say goodbye to someone who stood by you in tough times or to someone who played a significant role in your wedding. For many, the end of a close friendship can be heartbreaking. It is important to recognize and accept the pain you experience. Feeling sad, hurt, or angry about a friendship ending is natural. These emotions are challenging, yet they are a crucial part of the healing journey. Accepting your feelings is the first step towards healing.

The Role of Self-Reflection in Healing

Self-reflection is the next step to healing. Journaling serves as an effective method for navigating through our emotions. Additionally, one can process the end of a friendship by reflecting on the following questions:

• What do I miss about this friendship?
• What did I learn from this friendship?
• What kind of challenges did I face in this friendship?
• What was lacking in this friendship?
• What emotions am I experiencing because of the end of my friendship?
• Why did the friendship end?
• What role did I play in the end of the friendship?
• How can I apply what I learn to my new friendships?

These questions can serve as journal prompts to assist in self-reflection and provide clarity.

The end of a friendship can feel like a loss, but if you can find the lesson, you can gain something from it. The way that we do this is through self-reflection. What lessons did you learn from this friendship? To answer this question, consider your part in the end of the friendship. Did an unresolved conflict lead to its ending? This situation could highlight the value of open communication. Or was the end of the friendship caused by a breakdown in trust? From this experience, you may learn how to set boundaries. What about friends that outgrow each other? The lesson can be knowing when to let go and embracing change. Whatever lessons you learn, apply them to your new friendships.

Cultivating Gratitude

Gratitude is another way to heal from the end of a friendship. Once you have engaged in self-reflection and worked through your emotions, think about what aspects of the friendship you are thankful for. One thing to be grateful for is the lessons that you’ve learned. Another thing to appreciate is all the memories that you shared. Just because a friendship has ended does not mean you cannot cherish the good times. While it is natural to feel upset about not being able to create new memories, you can still value the ones you have. You may even find gratitude in ways your friend challenged you and helped you to become a better person. You can also be grateful for the time they were there for you during hard times. By reflecting on what you are thankful for, you can identify what you value in friendships. Values are essential when developing new friendships. 

Embracing New Connections

The end of a friendship can create space for new connections that align better with your values. Being open to making new friends is the final step in healing. Unfortunately, fear can be a barrier to making the friends you want. You might be afraid you will never find a best friend like the one you had in college. This way of thinking can make you feel pessimistic about new people. Instead, remain optimistic and remind yourself you can cultivate new meaningful connections. At the other end of the spectrum, you may be afraid of getting hurt again. In this situation, it can be helpful to reflect on the lessons you learned to avoid making the same mistakes. Remember that making a different choice can lead to a new experience. You have the opportunity to experience something better. Do not allow past hurts to get in the way. 

Moving Forward

The end of a friendship can be as emotionally challenging as a romantic breakup. You can heal from the end of a friendship by processing your emotions, self-reflecting, finding the lessons, having gratitude, and being open to making new friends. By embracing these steps, you can work through the pain and create space for better connections.

Many people say making friends as an adult is hard, and I couldn’t agree more. Although I have met many people through apps like Bumble and Meetup, cultivating long-lasting friendships has been more challenging. When I first started using Bumble BFF, I thought I would find my new best friend. But now, I manage my expectations. I recognize that meaningful connections happen over time. I am learning to enjoy the process by focusing on getting to know new people, knowing what I need in a friendship, considering what each person has to offer, and communicating my values and needs to the people I meet.

Managing Expectations

I would love to say that I became close friends with everyone I met, but that is rarely the case. If you are meeting new people but not forming deep connections, remember that it is a process. It is a lot easier to make friends when we are in school because of something known as the mere exposure effect. Studies indicate that we like people who we see more. Making friends can be a lot easier when you join a class related to a hobby you have. You might also consider volunteering to connect with like-minded people. The goal is to get into a habit of seeing the same people more often. Interacting with the same people repeatedly can lead to making new friends.

Meeting new people can be more fun when we let go of our expectations of who we want them to be and give them a chance to show us who they are. I want to build lasting relationships, but I can’t expect every person I meet to become my close friend. I recognize this expectation has gotten in the way of me getting to know someone new. I’m so focused on what I want in a friend that I forget to see what they have to offer in a friendship. Understanding our needs in a friendship and assessing whether a person can meet those needs is crucial. Managing our expectations can also prevent disappointment. Instead of having expectations of people, we should focus on understanding what they can offer. Once we know their capacity, we can determine if they can be the kind of friends we want.

The Role of Vulnerability in Friendships

I need vulnerability in my friendships. When getting to know new people, I observe how vulnerable they are. I look for how often they open up or share how they feel. Curiosity is essential when getting to know new people. You can do this by asking questions to understand their level of vulnerability. Questions like “How do you feel about sharing your struggles with others?” “How comfortable are you with expressing your emotions openly?” and “What does vulnerability mean to you?” can help you gauge how vulnerable someone is. Vulnerability is at the core of close, secure, and authentic relationships. Find ways to show more of who you are by being more vulnerable.

The Importance of Communication

I have learned to communicate my needs and values early on to determine whether the people I meet can fulfill them. You also want to create space for mutual understanding by asking about their values and needs in a friendship. Shared values lay the foundation for a fulfilling relationship and determine compatibility. Also, being open about your needs can create space to be heard and understood. However, it is equally important to remember that some people cannot give us what we need. Once we accept this, we can determine how to move forward. Often, moving on can lead us to more fulfilling connections.

Speaking from experience, making meaningful connections as an adult is not easy, but it is possible. I recognize that the type of friendships I want take time to cultivate. As I meet new people, I remind myself that it is a process and to focus on getting to know them. I ask questions to help me understand who they are and what they have to offer in a friendship. I also make sure to communicate my needs and values. These steps help me to determine if we can be friends. It’s great when I meet someone new, but even more special when we become close friends. 

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Relationships come to teach us, not to complete us. A healthy relationship consists of two whole people. Being content with yourself is essential before finding contentment with someone else. There are several signs that you are ready for a relationship. These include knowing and accepting yourself, being emotionally mature, knowing what you want, and putting yourself out there.

1. You Know Who You Are

One way to know you are ready for a relationship is that you know who you are. Knowing who you are gives you an identity outside a relationship status. Your relationship status does not add value to you. You are valuable whether you are in a relationship or not. You are worth getting to know. Spend some time with yourself and start getting to know yourself better. Know what your triggers are. Heal from past trauma. Find out what you like and dislike. Find out what your passions are. Find out what type of person you are. Find out what you value. Before you search for the one, be the one who knows who they are aside from a relationship.

2. You Accept Yourself

Another way to know you are ready for a relationship is that you accept who you are. You are a unique individual and offer something special to this world. Embrace your individuality. Resist the comparison trap. Focus on your unique qualities and accept your imperfections. When you treat yourself well, you invite others to do the same. Accepting who you are is about recognizing that you are a work in progress. It is okay if you do not have everything together. Working on improving yourself is a step in the right direction. Acceptance also means being okay with rejection because it does not define your value. The right people will accept you as you are. 

3. You Are Emotionally Mature

Being emotionally mature is another sign you are ready for a relationship. Often, communication is a huge part of relationships. It is crucial you know how to communicate your needs to your partner. It is also essential to actively listen and understand another person’s perspective. Conflict is a normal part of the relationship. Knowing how to communicate can help you to resolve conflicts. Some other indicators of emotional maturity include setting and respecting boundaries, apologizing, and taking accountability for your actions. Additionally, you are comfortable being vulnerable and expressing your emotions.

4. You Know What You Want

You are clear about your desires and have standards for your ideal partner. You are unwavering in your nonnegotiables and are willing to hold out for what you deserve rather than settle. You have a vision for the life you want to build with a significant other. You do not succumb to societal pressures dictating when love should come into your life. Remember, good things often come to those who wait, and focusing on becoming the best version of yourself while staying open to love can lead to finding the right person at any age.

5. You Put Yourself Out There

You are also willing to put yourself out there. It is about being open to getting to know someone new and showing interest. It can be as simple as eye contact and a smile. You might even consider being set up by a friend or trying online dating. Putting yourself out there is also about being honest about what you want by communicating your interests, values, desires, and intentions. You want the person to understand who you are to determine if they are the right fit. You might face rejection when you put yourself out there, but that is part of the dating process. When someone rejects you, they are doing you a favor. They are letting you know they are not the one for you. That is okay because the one for you will choose you.

Conclusion: Are You Ready for a Relationship?

You might desire a relationship, but are you prepared for one? It can be challenging to have a truly satisfying experience in a relationship if you are feeling incomplete when you start it. A healthy and loving relationship calls for two whole individuals. Reflect on what makes you ready for a relationship. If you can confidently say, “I know who I am. I accept who I am. I am emotionally mature. I know what I want. I put myself out there,” then you are ready for a relationship.

The way you show up in relationships can give clues to the kind of attachment style you may have. A secure attachment style is the type of attachment you want to have if you want the best chance of having fulfilling relationships. An insecure attachment style can prevent you from having the relationship you desire. There are four attachment styles: secure, fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied. These styles are shaped by early childhood and influence how adults behave in relationships. In this post, I will cover each of them and how early childhood experiences with parents influence our beliefs and behaviors.

Attachment Theory

Before delving into the four attachment styles, let’s explore and understand how they originated. Attachment theory was developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Later, Mary Ainsworth, his colleague, expanded on this theory and classified attachments as secure or insecure. These styles were identified through a study conducted in the 1970s, which involved observing children between 12-18 months and their mothers. Parents were asked to leave their children briefly and then return. The child’s response to the parent’s return was critical to identifying the four attachment styles.

Secure

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Less than 50 percent of the population has a secure attachment style. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. They grew up in a home where emotional safety was established through healthy communication and boundaries. It is relatively easy to form healthy relationships because they are confident in themselves. Their early childhood experiences taught them their worth.

Anxious Preoccupied

Adults with insecure attachment styles tend to face challenges in forming healthy relationships. An insecure attachment can be characterized as anxious-preoccupied. There may have been some inconsistency in their childhood with this type of attachment. The parent may have been loving but worked long hours. As adults, they may fear being alone or abandoned because they believe people they love will leave them. They attempt to resolve this belief by maintaining proximity in relationships. This behavior may look like reaching out frequently through phone calls and texts.

Dismissive Avoidant

The next type of insecure attachment is dismissive-avoidant. This style may be more common in adults who experienced emotional neglect in their childhood. Their parent may have been unresponsive to their emotional needs. It is also likely the child was criticized for showing their emotions. This may have led to the belief that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. As an adult, they appear more independent and emotionally reserved.

Fearful Avoidant

The last type of insecure attachment is fearful-avoidant. Adults with this attachment style may have experienced a lot of chaos during their childhood. The parent may have been unpredictable when they abused alcohol, causing the child to be afraid of their parents. As adults, people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles may struggle to trust that they can be close to someone without getting hurt. Therefore, it’s common for them to send mixed signals in relationships.

Final Thoughts

There are four attachment styles, and knowing where you fall can provide insight into how early childhood experiences with parents impacted your beliefs and behaviors as an adult. A secure attachment is essential to having healthy relationships. An insecure attachment style can be detrimental to forming healthy bonds. Fortunately, you can change your attachment styles through a process known as reprogramming. As you begin to adopt healthier behaviors and beliefs, you will start to experience better relationships.

The Attachment Style Quiz